Um blog sobre nada

Um conjunto de inutilidades que podem vir a ser úteis

A few Funny Quotes

Posted by Diego em Fevereiro 8, 2013


A few funny quotes from Steven Wright, the guy who once said "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

 

1 – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 – Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.

3  – Half the people you know are below average.

4  – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5  – 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6  – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 – If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 – All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend, …… But she left me before we met.

12  – OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

13 – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

14  – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16  – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

17 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18  – Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 – I intend to live forever…. So far, so good.

20 – If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21  – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

22 – What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 – My mechanic told me, "I couldn’t repair your brakes,  so I made your horn louder."

24  – Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25  – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27  – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

28 – The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 – To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30  – The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

32  – The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 – Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.

34  – If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35  – If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

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